she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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