Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
