sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
