I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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