u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
