I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
is that a dick in a sweater?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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