member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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