My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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