Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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