don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
