You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
