Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
