i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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