so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
