I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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