seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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