my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Randomize
