too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
