His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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