Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
