I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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