I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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