I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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