I wannas sexs uuuuu
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
