Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
