Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
