When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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