I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
