someone threw a dead crab at me
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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