good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
