You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
