if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
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