bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
