I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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