We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
