I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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