He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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