I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
third nipple confirmed
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
