Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
