well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
