Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
my being single is dangerous.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
