so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
