I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
