nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Randomize
