I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
