Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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