I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
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