Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
