I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
