'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
